I got on the scale this morning and egads.
When I stepped off I found a text from my ex-girlfriend Allison, Warrior Princess, who used to scoop me into her arms and carry me to bed, where we would spoon and hunger for each other and do nothing else, for we had each pledged chastity to the gods of Valhalla until such time as we had vanquished the demons from this realm and could finally rest from our battles. But we broke up before that happened.
The text read, "CARRY UR OWN DAMN SELF TO BED, FATBOY," which hurt. It was also kinda weird. I hadn't heard from Allison in years.